I bought most of my Christmas gifts online, but I went shopping today, and it is OFFICIAL: I hate shopping crowds and bustle. If I’m going to be jammed into a crowd of sweaty folks, I’d rather be at a dadgum Tom Petty concert.


Here are the Cliff Notes:

1. I accidentally rammed a lady’s ankle in Best Buy with my very unwieldy cart. I thought she was going to shank me in the throat right there on the spot and I would have totally deserved it.

2. Encountered some little kids in Hobby Lobby who must have been parented by rabid wolves. My kids can probably STILL remember the pinches and gritted-teeth snarls they received whilst shopping with me. Did that go out of style or something? Those rabbity-eyed heathens had better thank the good Lord I didn’t have a wooden spoon in my purse.

3. Unless you are a quadriplegic, PUT YOUR FRICKIN’ CART AWAY IN THE PARKING LOT! Always! EVERY. TIME. I don’t care if it is cold and rainy. I don’t care if your wolfen brats are screaming bloody murder. PUT THE CART IN THE THINGIE!!!

4. Who goes to Target for those horrid fruit cakes that look like they’re 3 years old? NO ONE. That’s who. I think it’s high time to dispense with that Christmas tradition. Get it together, Target.

5. The Salvation Army needs to screen their volunteers with a bit more discretion. That’s alllll I’m gonna say.

6. People who smoke right by a store entrance are the Muggle equivalent of Dementors. One of these days, I’m going to fart on them. Stink for a stink.

7. Listen up, kids. If you work in retail, you should never answer a question with, “I don’t know.” You can say, “I don’t know, but let me see if I can find out.” You can say, “I am new here but I can find out for you.” You can even say, “I’m a lazy ass. Go ask someone else.” DO NOT just say, “I don’t know,” accompanied by a disinterested shrug.

8. Experiencing a hot flash in Academy is not so bad if you walk over to the weight benches and plant yourself down while it passes. You’re already sweaty so passers-by might even assume you were working out.

9. When I uncorked a bottle of Cab this evening, I almost cried in relief.

10. I have to go again tomorrow for a few little things. If you happen to see me, please be sweet.

Good night, reader. Peace be with you.